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“Over the weekend, Herman Cain announced that he is endorsing Newt Gingrich. Well sure, adulterers like to stick together. You never know when you need an alibi. You cover for me, I’ll cover for you.” – Jay Leno
“Sarah Palin has also been supportive of Gingrich but she hasn’t made an official endorsement yet. Her husband endorsed Gingrich but he’s a snowmobiler, so nobody cares.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Newt Gingrich has been attacking Mitt Romney for being wealthy and having money in bank accounts in the Cayman Islands. See, that’s when you know you’re part of the top 1 percent, when your bank’s address has the word ‘island’ in it.” – Jay Leno
“But, Romney says he is not a creature of Washington. He has lived in the real streets of America. I believe it’s Easy Street, if I’m not mistaken.” – Jay Leno
“In fact, when Mitt Romney was young, he and his gang controlled their hood’s hedge fund.” – Jay Leno
“A newspaper study shows that Republican candidates are buying a lot of ad time on the Weather Channel. … In fact, whenever the forecast calls for rain, they pay the weathermen to say, ‘Thanks a lot, Obama.’” – Conan O’Brien
“These debates have jumped the shark because last night the Republicans talked about three things: deporting Mexican grandmothers, building a colony on the moon that could become the 51st state, and how Obama is out of touch.” – Bill Maher
“According to new polls that just came out, Mitt Romney does very well with Republican voters who make more than $200,000. Or as Romney calls them, ‘trailer trash.’” – Conan O’Brien
“Mitt Romney said he loves Florida. All the sunshine and sandy beaches reminds him of the country where he keeps his money.” – Bill Maher
“Yes, Mitt finally released his tax returns for one year. It turns out he keeps a lot of his money in the Cayman Islands, in Bermuda, Luxembourg, a Swiss bank account. And he said he’s not trying to evade paying taxes by keeping his money in these places. That’s like saying I got caught with meth and crack, but it wasn’t because I was trying to get high.” – Bill Maher
“Look at that [image of Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer's finger in Obama's face]. Right to the President of the United States. Now, Jan Brewer says she regrets the confrontation, but these are the kind of problems that arise when we permit negroes to read.” – Bill Maher
“She also said, I swear to God, this is the quote — yesterday she was interviewed about this, she said she felt a ‘little bit threatened.’ Really? On the tarmac in broad daylight? By the — what was he going to do, deck her? Or buy the house next door? I mean, wow. Lord help this woman if she ever runs into a really scary black guy like Wayne Brady or Urkel.” – Bill Maher
“A new website just came out that’s designed to calculate how long it takes Mitt Romney to earn your salary. So from now on, whenever Mitt Romney is running late, he can call there and say, ‘I’ll be there in five teachers.’” – Conan O’Brien
“What’s interesting is in the time it took you to think about that joke, Mitt Romney made $65 million.” – Conan O’Brien
“Actually, Rick Perry pulled out of the presidential race yesterday – which is bad news for the guys on death row in Texas. He’s coming home and he’s not in a good mood.” – Jay Leno
“I have not seen anything this surreal since they cancelled ‘Twin Peaks.’ What else can you say about a Republican debate when the rich guy, who’s avoiding taxes – which they like, gets booed and the fat creep into threesomes gets a standing ovation?” – Bill Maher
“Newt Gingrich was cheating on his second wife while he was prosecuting Bill Clinton for the Monica Lewinsky thing. In other words, Newt puts the ‘hippo’ in ‘hypocrite.’” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Newt said this is despicable to ask these questions. Why are we dwelling on the past? We should be concentrating on the future and putting America’s children back to work.” – Bill Maher
“Scientists announced that they have detected a brand new subatomic particle. This particle is so tiny, it’s actually smaller than the income tax rate paid by Mitt Romney.” – Jay Leno
“During a debate, Mitt Romney said he grew up in the real streets of America. Yes, the real streets, where people pull up next to you and ask if you have any Grey Poupon.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“New Rule: Someone has to tell Francesco Schettino that embracing a callous policy of “every man for himself” doesn’t make you a sea captain. It makes you the Republican nominee.” – Bill Maher
“Rick Perry has dropped out of the presidential race. Apparently, America did not want a conservative, gun happy, intellectually challenged governor of Texas for president. At least not again.” – Jay Leno
At the debate the other night, Mitt Romney said he is not an avid hunter, but he is happy to go along if someone invites him to go hunting. To which Newt Gingrich said, “Hey, maybe you can tag along with Dick Cheney.” – Jay Leno
“Tonight was the CNN primary debate with the four remaining candidates. It was kind of a change for Newt Gingrich. Usually when he’s arguing with three people at once, it’s his wife, his ex-wife, and his mistress.” – Jay Leno
“Mitt Romney is quite a guy. At one point he and his wife bought a zoo and fired all the animals.” – David Letterman
“If we coordinate (with a super PAC) in any way whatsoever, we go to the big house.” – Mitt Romney
“Which one of your big houses do you go to: the beach house or the ski chalet?” – Jon Stewart
“Sen. John McCain told Sean Hannity that choosing Sarah Palin was still the best decision he ever made. Well, today the Arizona DMV took away his driver’s license.” – Jay Leno
